letter to the Berkeley Parking Authority

[Is it as fun to read this kind-sir-what-ho style as it is to write it?]

March 18, 2009

Dear Berkeley Parking Authority:

I had the honor to receive a note from you this morning, and I just wanted to gratefully acknowledge receipt of it, and to inquire how you are as well. Perhaps I might relate to you the circumstances of receiving it, as it is always my pleasure for you to share in my fortunes, especially when you take such an active role.

Fresh from University Ave., where I was having a key copied, I arrived at the public library and found a nice spot right in front. My dashboard sported the most recent receipt from the parking meter in front of the hardware store. Having arrived a few minutes prior to the library opening, I stood in front of the main entrance and made a couple of calls to pass the time. (Just to a few people about work prospects. I’m unemployed.) But, in doing so, I failed to remember that I had not secured a new receipt from the meter.

After entering the library and mounting the first flight of stairs, I stopped cold with the mental equivalent of slapping myself on the forehead, uttering a “gee whiz” and gleefully turning about, admitting to myself that one who forgets one’s friends is a sad being indeed. Reaching my car, I found the note in question. Checking the time on the ticket against that on the expired receipt, I found that the ticket had been written one minute after the receipt expired.

Wow. Let me join what I’m sure are the legions of those who have been privileged to witness it, and state that the Authority’s efficiency is truly to be commended! Many a time have my colleagues and I concluded that it is this kind of crisp efficiency that ought to be in place in Iraq and Afghanistan. So much so, that several of my colleagues have agreed to put their signatures to a letter I am drafting to our new president to that effect, recommending that the entire Parking Authority be deputized and deployed as future army reservists in those places where order and service are most needed.

With note in hand, I returned to the library to do a few things on the free wifi, such as look for work (I’m unemployed); attempt to file my taxes for the last two years (though because of the small amount of earnings I’m not required to), so that I might get a stimulus check and thus pay this month’s rent; and to pay $15 of my credit card bill off so that I don’t get a fee for going over the limit. See, I had to charge my car insurance bill this month on a credit card.

Next I headed to the bank to deposit my last $15 in cash into my account so that I don’t get an overdraft fee, as my balance is currently $2.40. Now, blissfully free of money concerns (to paraphrase Josef Stalin, “no money, no problem”), I can focus on sending you hearty greetings and assure you that, the next time I come upon $30, I can promise you sincerely and with all my heart and the binding promise of a true friend, that you will be the first to share in the richness of my good fortune.

And I’ll add in closing that, though each note I have received from you has been the result of my carelessly forgetting to attend to my duties as a citizen (albeit one of Oakland, though I remain loyal to pure and virtuous Berkeley deep inside), I now realize that memory loss is no excuse, and that the concerns and needs of a friend such as yourself should always come first and foremost in the long list of such that we call life. Consider this letter a warm shower of affection on you and yours.

Yours sincerely,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Blow Up

Feb. 11, 2006

Peter Nelson
881 Main St. S.
Woodbury, CT  06798

Dear Peter:

I’m an artist currently engaged in a project called “140 Ways To Make a Tape Unlistenable.” The idea is to find as many different–and hopefully spectacular–ways as possible. One of the ways that I’ve come up with is to blow one up with a cannon. Your name was recommended to me as one at the forefront of small-scale demolition.

So this is number 116 on the list, and if you are interested in participating in this project, all that I’ll need is a short letter stating when the tape was blown up, the weather, and any other relevant or interesting details. Proposals have been submitted to an auto wrecker, a building demolition company, and the Niagara Falls Tourism Board, among others; and the gallery showing of the project will take the form of photos, video, audio, sculpture, and letters from participants. Some of the best minds in the art world have worked feverishly freezing, burning, shooting with arrows, and otherwise compromising the integrity of cassette tapes.

I realize you are busy, so I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry at the address stated above.

Best,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways to Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Send to Kim Jong Il

Feb. 11, 2006

Dynamic-Korea.com
2370 Massachusetts Ave. NW
Washington, D.C. 20008

Dear Korean Embassy:

I am an artist living in Oakland who is working on a project to bring about world peace, and good relations between all nations. Part of my project involves sending key world figures a cassette tape with a message and prayer for world peace.

So I wondered if you could help me. I want to send a tape to the honorable Kim Jong Il, and would like to know what postal address I could use, so that he could receive my tape. It is an ordinary cassette tape and I don’t mind who listens to it: the more people the better! But I would like to reach out to him, especially as an American, to help relieve suffering for all mortal beings.

Thank you for your time.

Best,
Daniel Nelson

140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Bury with Human

Feb. 11, 2006

Gagosian Gallery
456 North Camden Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Dear Gagosian Gallery:

I am a photographer/artist currently engaged in a project called “140 Ways To Make a Tape Unlistenable.” The idea is to find as many different–and hopefully spectacular–ways as possible. One of the ways that I’ve come up with is to bury the tape with a dead body, specifically to sew it into a body that will then be buried.

You may, at this point, wonder how you might fit in to this project, i.e. in helping me carry out number 67 on my list of ways. Acutely aware of the difficulty in carrying out this item, perhaps the fourth most difficult on my list, I have been hesitant to approach funeral homes with such a request, and instead seek an individual willing to assure, post mortem, the eternal resting place of this particular cassette.

Ed Ruscha strikes me as someone who might intuit the purpose of this piece without explanation of it, since I am unable to furnish one.

If he is interested, all that I would need to represent this item in my project is a short letter, in his hand, stating his intent to be interred with the cassette in his person, and whatever details might lend themselves to the expressiveness of the event, e.g. where services might be held, what rituals might be attendant thereto, etc.

Please be assured that my request is in no way meant to imply the senility or frailty of Mr. Ruscha, for whom I bear the utmost regard.

I realize you are very busy, so I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry at the address stated above.

Best,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Send Into Orbit

Feb. 16, 2006

Public Inquiries Business Center
NASA Headquarters
Suite 1M32
Washington, DC  20546-0001

Dear NASA:

I am an artist currently engaged in a project called “140 Ways To Make a Tape Unlistenable.” The idea is to find as many different–and hopefully spectacular–ways as possible. Two of the ways that I’ve come up with are: a) to send one into orbit in a satellite, and b) to send one into a black hole.

All that I would need to represent these items in my catalog is a memorandum, after the fact, for each event, stating when cassette A was launched and a short description of its orbit; and when it is calculated that the gravitational pull of the black hole exceeded the escape velocity of cassette B, approximately where in the solar system this occurred, and any other relevant or interesting details. If it is found difficult to locate a suitable black hole, then propelling cassette B into a senescent supernova would prove satisfactory to the aims of the project.

I assure you that this is no joke. If you are interested in participating in a project at the very cutting edge of the international art scene, that combines several media in an exciting, relevant way, then we would welcome your input.

I realize that you are probably very busy, so I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry at the address stated above.

Best,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Send to Kid 606

Feb. 16, 2006

Kid 606
c/o Tigerbeat
3358 24th St.
San Francisco, CA  94110

Dear Kid 606:

I’m an artist currently executing a project called “140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable.” The idea is to find as many different–and hopefully spectacular–ways as possible. One of the ways that I’ve come up with is, well how can I express this tactfully: to give a cassette to a musician to use as source material for their own work. With the understanding, on the part of myself, that the musician’s work is, not to put too fine a point on it, unlistenable.

So this is number 101 on the list, and if you are interested in participating in this project, your participation could take either of two forms: an audio piece using the sound material on the cassette, that would be available for the showing of this project; or a short letter stating something about how you intend to use the material and any other relevant or interesting details. Proposals have been submitted to an auto wrecker, a building demolition company, and the Niagara Falls Tourism Board, among others; and the gallery showing of the project will take the form of photos, video, audio, sculpture, and letters from participants.

The raw material of this project is the large cassette collection of a Bay Area ex-hipster turned crack addict, whose cassettes far outnumber the ways I can find to destroy them. It’s a sort of anti-homage, in the same sense as an anti-hero. I’ve skimmed maybe a dozen of the tapes, many of which are noise/experimental, and the tape you would receive would be picked at random.

I realize you are busy, so I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry at the address stated above.

Best,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Drop from Airplane

Feb. 14, 2006

SkyDive Las Vegas
1401 Airport Rd # 4
Boulder City, NV  89005

Dear SkyDive Las Vegas:

I am a photographer/artist currently engaged in a project called “140 Ways To Make a Tape Unlistenable.” The idea is to find as many different–and hopefully spectacular–ways as possible. One of the ways that I’ve come up with is to drop a cassette tape out of an airplane.

I assure you that this is no joke. And you can see how easily you might fit in to this project, i.e. in helping me carry out number 102 on my list of ways. I reside in California, and could invite a local company, but I wanted to make this project inclusive of every state in the union, and have already secured the participation of individuals and companies in eighteen states. Furthermore, it seemed that your planes might well fly over relatively unpopulated areas, which would be appealing for obvious reasons.

If you are interested in participating in a project at the very cutting edge of the international art scene, all that I would need to represent this item in my catalog is a short letter, after the fact, stating when the cassette was dropped, by whom, from what height and over what area, and any other relevant or interesting details.

I realize you are busy, so I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry at the address stated above.

Best,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Shred It

Feb. 12, 2006

Data Decimation
47 Snellings Court
Severna Park, MD. 21146

Dear Data Decimation:

I am an artist currently engaged in a project called “140 Ways To Make a Tape Unlistenable.” One of the ways that I’ve come up with is to send the tape to a document destruction company. Now that you have a sense of how you might fit in to this project, I wondered what the fee would be to have Data Decimation destroy a single cassette tape.

It wouldn’t behoove me financially, after all, to acquire, even secondhand, the industrial-grade IBM Tape Destroyer 380/500 with 120 liter waste volume capacity. It’d be overkill!

Since I realize you must deal normally with much higher-volume accounts, I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry.

Best,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways To Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Niagara Falls

Feb. 11, 2006

Niagara Falls Tourism
5515 Stanley Avenue
Niagara Falls, Ontario
Canada L2G 3X4

Dear Niagara Falls Tourism:

I am an artist currently engaged in a project called “140 Ways To Make a Tape Unlistenable.” The goal of the project is to find as many different–and hopefully spectacular–ways as possible. One way that I’ve come up with is to send a cassette tape over a waterfall, and what falls more beautiful and resplendent than Niagara Falls?

You may, at this point, see how you might fit in to this project, i.e. in helping me carry out number 55 on my list. Since I reside in California, and am unsure when my next visit to Niagara may occur (though God grant it be soon!), perhaps you employ someone who would be willing to throw caution to the wind in throwing a cassette into the mighty maw of Niagara!

If you are interested in participating in a project at the very cutting edge of the international art scene, all that I would need to represent this item in my catalog is a short letter stating when the cassette was launched over the falls, by whom, the weather, barometric pressure, and all other relevant details.

You may ask yourself: Why Niagara? Why us? But what falls has lent itself throughout history more to the imaginations of the hare-brained than Niagara?

I realize you are very busy, so I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry at the address stated above.

Best,
Dan Nelson

140 Ways to Make a Cassette Unlistenable: Pave Over

Feb. 11, 2006

Erie Blacktop, Inc.
P.O. Box 2308
Sandusky, Ohio  44870

Dear Erie Blacktop:

I am a photographer/artist currently engaged in a project called “140 Ways To Make a Tape Unlistenable.” The idea is to find as many different–and hopefully spectacular–ways as possible. One of the ways that I’ve come up with is to have a cassette paved over, preferably in someone’s driveway, and preferably known only to the pavers.

You may, at this point, see how you might fit in to this project, i.e. in helping me carry out number 59 on my list of ways. I reside in California, and could easily invite a local company, but I wanted to make this project inclusive of every state in the union.

If you are interested in participating in a project at the very cutting edge of the international art scene, all that I would need to represent this item in my catalog is a short letter, after the fact, stating when the cassette was paved over, by whom, the street or highway and town where it is buried, and all other relevant details.

I realize you are very busy, so I thank you for the time in answering this enquiry at the address stated above.

Best,
Dan Nelson